This post forms part of Prostasia Foundation's Survivor Expressions series, a platform for CSA survivors to tell their stories in their own words and own way.


I’m having so much trouble writing this, I don’t even know where to start. It happened at such a young age that my mind has been able to forget most of it. I don’t remember how old I was or the dates it happened. All I know is that he talked to me and touched me inappropriately multiple times. 

He had been a long time family friend and at the time was living with my family and me. Having such busy work lives my parents were out most of the time and my brother would be hanging out with friends at the park or mall. So, it would be just me and him sometimes. I’d usually be at the computer learning the lyrics to my favorite songs on YouTube. He would stay in his room. I have always been a shy kid so I never had an interest in interacting with him. One day, he crept up behind me as I was sitting at the desk scrolling on YouTube. This is where my memory goes fuzzy. He talked to me for a bit then led me to my parents room. Before we went in, he paused and asked if I wanted to touch “it” as he looked down at his bulge. Part of me was curious but I said no. He told me to lay down on the bed and took my bottoms off. I was starting puberty and one of the things I vividly remember is him being happily surprised saying, “You have pubic hair!” He then proceeded to perform oral sex on me. I was confused, I had no idea was sex was or even that oral sex is a thing! I just laid there not feeling anything, it was like my genitalia had gone numb. I can’t remember how long it lasted or what happened in between that and the next part. As we were walking out of the room he stopped me and said “Don’t tell your parents or we’ll get in trouble”. I was embarrassed and worried. It had all been very confusing and felt very wrong. When he used the word “we” I felt roped in like I had done something wrong too. 

He continued to live with us a while after that. I had to spend birthdays and holidays sitting next to him at the dinner table. For years and years I suppressed those memories. I was able to forget them for a while but they’d always come back swinging and knock me down. I’d completely shut down but I hid it with smiles and jokes. So many nights I cried myself to sleep, trying not to make any noise in order to avoid my parents finding out. As I got older these memories crept into my mind more and more and I could no longer suppress them. It started affecting my academic and family life. One night my parents sat me down to talk about my suffering grades. They were concerned and wanted to know the reason behind it. I had vowed to take that secret to my grave but in that moment I broke. All those feelings spilled out and I cried in my parents arms for hours. I still cry when I think or talk about it and I have so much rage I want to take out on him but I won’t. Since I broke my silence, I have been focusing on addressing the feelings I ignored for so long because I want to be and feel better.