“Programmer, religious leader and person with autism. No longer a victim of CSA, now a survivor of CSA. When I’m not sunk in my bed with depression I fight for the rights of all humans, even the ones we hate by promoting a Copyleft culture that honors the upstander.”
You probably want to hear about my rape when I was 12 but the covert cultural sexual abuse of being a sexually precocious child is what gave me the biggest problems. Maybe it’s just that it happened at an earlier stage of development.
The earliest memory of mine is of a sex dream in which my mother finds me having sex and blows up. Even at 3 I know I wasn’t supposed to be a sexual being. I was so ashamed of my sexuality that couldn’t change into my PE clothes until the other kids left the locker room.
When I was 12 my brother’s then girlfriend took my on walks through are neighborhood. one day she said we should go into the bushes…. They teach sexual abuse as touching your bathing suit areas so I didn’t even notice what she was doing was sexual, when it became obvious to her that I wasn’t going to resist she lost interest. It’s all very fuzzy as on the way home she said that if I told anyone she would say I raped her. That moment is frozen in my mind to the exclusion of everything else that evening.
There is probably a lot of things that added up to my anxious attachment style but I blame that incident for my sex (or as it’s more accurately called love) addiction. Luckily I didn’t go out much so never put in a place where it could manifest in reality but online I could never refuse to cyber and always looking for someone to be my in game wife.
This survivor has also prepared an original filk song:
Where is this conversation going?
Don’t like the game we’re playing at all
I’ve got my cards out on the table
How dare I show that card
There’s nothing more
Restless in the night
Burning like a light
Desperate in the night
For something more
Restless in the night
Burning like a light
Desperate in the night
For something more
Just want your love and nothing more
And nothing more
Restless in the night
Burning like a light
Desperate in the night
For something more
Restless in the night
Burning like a light
Desperate in the night
For something more
Restless in the night
Burning like a light
Desperate in the night
For something more
Restless in the night
Burning like a light
Desperate in the night
For something more